


Absolute Beginners

by seunggillee



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Anxiety, Babies, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mpreg, Parenthood, Post Mpreg, Songfic, Specifically JJ's anxiety, Unplanned Pregnancy, jjseung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 11:43:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11103882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seunggillee/pseuds/seunggillee
Summary: Jean Jacques is unsure of how he and Seung Gil are supposed to raise their infant daughter when he still feels like a child himself.





	Absolute Beginners

When he was younger and someone asked him what he was afraid of, JJ would usually respond with something like the dark, heights, or clowns. Only when he saw two lines on a pregnancy test, held in a pair of shaky, pale hands did he learn what fear actually meant. Only as Seung Gil lifted his eyes to stare at him tearfully, asking him if he would stay, did he feel ice run through his veins and the world seemingly shatter into impossibly small, jagged shards.

"Of course I'll stay. I love you, Seung Gil."

He meant what he had said. It had been so sudden, but he knew from the moment the other's lips met his that what he felt for Seung Gil wasn't nothing. As he rocked his hips slowly inside of him the after the Four Continents Figure Skating Championship awards ceremony... it became so clear. This boy was it for him. He'd had his fair share of girlfriends and one-night stands, even a damned _fiancée_ that didn't last, he was ready for something real. And he wanted it with Seung Gil Lee. It had been so hard to explain it to anyone else. "You're just horny." They would say. "You just met him. You don't know what love is. You're just experimenting."

He wished all of it were true. He wished he could snap out of it, that he could turn away and leave without a word after realizing the other was pregnant with his child. If only he could shrug Seung Gil off as a mistake, if only he could have moved on to the next person and forever immortalized Seung Gil in his mind as nothing more than an experiment that had gone wrong. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't live without Seung Gil even if he tried his hardest.

In so many ways, it wasn't fair. Seung Gil was smart and had so much potential. He lived his life with every detail planned perfectly. Every single one of his actions was the product of color-coded sticky notes and too many to-do lists. And after they had made love the first time, JJ watched as Seung Gil sat at his desk, rewriting his life plan in a way where JJ could be in it. It meant the world at the time, knowing he had so much influence that the analytical Korean was adjusting arrangements he had made years in advance, just to have JJ be a part of them. Seung Gil was not only a gifted professional figure skater, but he was going to be a doctor, specifically an orthopedic surgeon. It had been his goal since he could even pronounce that word. His entire life had been dedicated to making it happen, and everything was falling into place, everything went according to plan.

Until... it didn't. The pregnancy was an obstacle not even the strategic Seung Gil could have anticipated.

It was so hard to be the strong one. His eyes would sting with tears he refused to cry as Seung Gil wept against his shoulder, mourning dreams he felt he could never fulfill. The two discussed every option, but... none of them felt right. Every time they came to a conclusion, an emotional Seung Gil would change his mind hours later. JJ isn't sure when it changed. One day, Seung Gil stopped weighing pros and cons of everything and started writing down French baby names as some sort of compromise. He stopped putting adoption ads in the paper. He would smile through the tears stuck in his eyes and hold JJ's hand, whispering that JJ would be an amazing father.

Four months have passed since Lyra Leroy came into their lives. One hundred twenty six days, two hours, and forty minutes since a newborn wrapped in a pink blanket was placed in their arms. Seung Gil had cried, but his tears weren't sad ones. He stared down at her, and he called her perfect. JJ, however, still hasn't gotten a proper look at her face. He's not sure whose features she's inherited. All he knows is that motherhood is beautiful on Seung Gil. Watching the love of his life press kisses to her chubby stomach, cooing at her in his own native tongue is the most amazing thing he's ever witnessed, and yet... he can't bring himself to do the same.

He feels guilty. His recklessness took Seung Gil's dreams away from him, and while the other doesn't seem like he's hurting anymore, he wonders if he's just pretending. They both know they were too young to do this. Hell, they didn't even know how to love each other properly yet when Seung Gil started displaying signs that he was carrying JJ's child. Working out the kinks of a new relationship is tough even without a baby. JJ is too scared to look at her because he's just... not ready. He's afraid, terrified. Terrified of dropping her, of feeding her too much or too little, of putting diapers on backwards. But mostly... he's scared of what she'll be and if it will be his fault because of his sloppy, inexperienced parenting.

Somewhere, distantly, he hears her wailing. His eyes flutter open, arms tight around Seung Gil in the same way they had been when they had fallen asleep. The man in his arms stirs and, in the darkness, their eyes find each other's. "Jean Jacques," Seung Gil murmurs, his voice thick with sleep. "Will you go check on her?"

He hesitates, but gives a small nod and rolls out of bed and over to the room next door. Nervously he steps in, and even though she's his baby and she's been around for four months, his heart is pounding as he stares down at her wiggling form in her crib. She sniffles, staring up at him, tiny fingers in her mouth. "What's the matter, Lyra?" He asks softly, though he knows she won't respond. Hesitantly he reaches down, carefully cradling her and picking her up to hold her tightly in his arms. The crying stops and she stares up at him, tears sticking to tiny eyelashes.

"Ah, you were lonely." He says, his lips pressing into a thin line. "Well, if that's the case, then I'll put you down now..." He moves to set her back down, flinching as she shrieks the moment her back touches the mattress. In no time he's holding her close again, sighing. "I gotta give Seung major props. You do this a lot and he doesn't complain..." She blinks up at him, one tear slipping down a chubby, pale cheek.

His eyes flicker over to the chair in the corner and he sighs, shuffling over and sitting down. Lyra inches closer, little fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt. After taking a deep breath, JJ decides to let himself really look at her.

Her eyes have a similar almond shape to Seung Gil's, but they're slightly rounder and wider. Wispy, dark hair falls across her forehead, and tears have created little stains on rosy cheeks. She's absolutely stunning. His chest feels tight and his eyes well up suddenly, the face of his daughter blurring as a shaky sob leaves his lips. He loves her, he does. He just doesn't know how to.

A hand rests on his shoulder and he looks up, swatting the tears from his cheeks. Seung Gil offers one of his rare smiles before sitting in front of his family, reaching one hand up and letting Lyra grip one of his fingers tightly. "Little Lyra's starting to understand the concept of object permanence, meaning separation anxiety." He explains softly before he leans over and kisses one of her chubby cheeks. "She's not being too difficult, is she?"

Immediately he shakes his head. "Not at all. She's wonderful."

The answer causes Seung Gil to chuckle weakly, staring up at the love of his life. "Her eyes are that pretty gray-blue color, you know. Like yours, just a bit darker. You can't really see with how dark it is in here. I'd turn on the light, but she'll scream. You can get a good look tomorrow." Taking one of JJ's hands with the one that isn't in a baby death-grip, he presses a soft kiss to his knuckles. Seung Gil is aware that JJ avoids spending time with her whenever possible, and while it hurts, he understands. JJ needs time, and he's willing to give it to him. "She makes a lot of the same faces that you do, too. This morning she finished her bottle and she was still hungry. Her pout was oddly similar to the one you have when the gravy isn't hot enough to melt the cheese curds on your poutine."

"Hey," JJ's eyebrows furrow. "Poutine is no laughing matter. We don't joke about that here in Canada." A bright smile breaks out across his face and he gives Seung Gil's hand a squeeze. The two are quiet for a moment, staring at each other the way they had when they first realized exactly what it was they felt for each other.

"I love you." Seung Gil says softly, and JJ is taken aback. Seung Gil isn't usually one to say those three words. He usually proves his love through small actions rather than words. _Why should I say it if I'm doing nothing to show it? What's the point?_ He had said when JJ asked about it when they first started dating.

JJ gazes back into those dark eyes and gives a small nod. "I love you, too." He whispers, and he means it. "I'm sorry I've been so... absent, I guess."

"It's fine. You're adjusting." Seung Gil responds hastily. "Don't feel guilty. I... understand. At least you're here now, right?" He chews his lower lip before sighing quietly. "It sucked, knowing you were going to the rink just to avoid interacting with her. But... if it's any consolation. We're not going to be perfect. Not everything we do for her is going to be enough, or the right move, necessarily. It scares me too. The most we can do is be there for her. That's what Alain and Nathalie do for you... right?" He offers nervously.

Seung Gil is right, as usual.

"I guess... what I'm trying to say is..." He continues, lowering his eyes. "We're absolute beginners, JJ. Do you remember when we first met in the junior division? How often we fell after jumps and stuff? It's like that. We'll get better. We'll mess up, but it's okay, I think. Nothing we can't shake off. She's going to adore you no matter what and... I will too. As long as we give her lots of love... we'll be great parents." He breathes a small sigh and holds JJ's hand against his chest.

One wouldn't know it, but Seung Gil is amazing in the pep-talk department when he tries. He's always been known for being cold-hearted, but right now, JJ is sure Seung Gil has the purest heart of anyone he's had the pleasure of knowing. They're both so nervous, so young, with nothing much to give each other save for unwavering support.

And yet, that's enough. It's all they need. It's all their daughter needs, too.

That, and a diaper change, maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a lil songfic based off "Absolute Beginners" by David Bowie, because obviously I'm a slut for Bowie and JJSeung. Plus the idea of them as parents just makes me want to scream.
> 
> This is also kind of an apology for not updating my two ongoing fics as of recently, since I've been pretty busy. I will update those as soon as possible, but for now just enjoy this one shot (or maybe collection of one shots? thoughts?). Thank you guys so much for all the support <3
> 
> Also, happy birthday to the angelic Korean boy whom I adore.


End file.
